when this anger can breathe
i hope your heart breaks over and over and over again … so much that it breaks so open that you’re blown away by how beautiful and how perfect your world has become
i hope your disease eats away … at all your fear and then you see there is nothing in your being except for love
i hope your body becomes so stagnant … that you discover you don't even have to go anywhere to discover everything
i hope your grief sinks you to the bottom of the ocean … and then you find you can still breathe
i hope that everyone turns their back on you and then you're buried so deeply in yourself … that you become the light of the world
i hope you die … while you're alive and it makes you free.
and i still love you.
fuck it i LOVE you.
FUCK!
i can’t even stay angry because i love you.
i still fucking love you and my heart hurts.
My heart hurts holding.
My heart hurts.
My heart hurts hoping.
My heart hurts.
My heart hurts like a dream sloping downward and a prayer unheard.
My heart hurts
and in each moment i feel it, and it burns and it opens and it bursts a little more and I watch it and here I am still
here I am
still
here I am
holding still
here I am
still in this same room and you're here, alive in me, even as we're dying and you're gone but you haven’t left cos it’s still clear in me, love unchanging, and i'm not fake-smiling or pretending because it hurts.
Yes.
It HURTS!
And it ACHE!
It aches like a wasted sunset surf break and the edge unridden
and i’m okay
the ocean’s not broken it’s playing
with the wind and the moon and the sand and the people at Lyall Bay and
i’m more whole than i've ever been because
behind the fuck-you feeling
and the fuck-this feeling
and the i-wish feeling
the only thing that stays is
i love you.
i love you.
i love you.
i love
you.
i love
i love
i love.
i
Love.
i
Love!
(breathe)
The only thing that stays is
Love.
© Clare Rousseau 2020
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